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Sunday, January 27th, 2008
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11:02 pm
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I swear every time I'm in the car I make myself listen to "Sense of Humor" I don't know if it makes me feel better or if I am just trying to convince myself the lines can come true, like those self enforced beliefs, where if you say them enough to yourself, they can become true or something. I don't know anymore. I have finally learned not to expect anythign from anyone, it saves from being let down. Naturally chance #2 was another crash and burn, surprisingly it didn't hurt nearly as much... I think I knew it was going to happen but was just trying to keep that tiny bit of hope alive. Arghhh what the fuck is wrong with me?! Sometimes I seriously wonder what the hell life has planned for me that I have to go through so much shit.
Even though I've got a plan, got a goal, I still feel like I'm not getting anywhere. Savings for the car have started, as minimal as it is. By the end of the week I will have a flyer made to post at work recruiting additional help for the Snuggles Project for the Attleboro Animal Shelter. NExt week I plan on applying to volunteer there weeknights, to give me something to do, and get me out of the house. Hopefully Michelle and I can keep each other motivated for that since we both need that extra push from someone else. This means potentially my schedule will be filled.
Sunday - work
Monday- work (or workstudy), volunteer
Tues- class, volunteer
Wed- workstudy, volunteer
Thurs - class, volunteer
Fri- workstudy, work
Sat- work
And in between that I am working on making my pajama pants, scarves that have a waiting list, and the blanket project, also reorganizing and cleaning my room and getting back to writing. If I can keep myself together long enough to finish the pieces I have, there will be one hell of a story on its way.
Funding for car : 1.06% of the way there. Just knowing theres a start is keeping me motivated.
Glenn you are soooooo awesome for everything. I am grateful that we met, I don't know what I'd do without you. Thank you.
current mood:  working
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| Sunday, January 13th, 2008
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11:12 pm
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".. i was driving the other day and i had a random spurt of missing you wicked bad"
"ok?"
" :-( "
"idk what to tell ya"
"yeah"
" i guess there was a reason it didnt work"
" yep"
"yeah and that reason was you're an ass"
If I wasn't so tired and stressed and pissed off at every single thing in life right now I would have laughed at this. One of the few people I have never said anything deliberately mean to, calling me an ass. Never thought I would see that. I guess this is good, making me more and more aware of the shit I don't need to put myself through. I really really hope I don't get so fed up to the point where I have to do some severing, but if this keeps up I fear I may have to. The silence was painful, but it was ever so slowly fading. This kind of conversation repeating itself on occasion is just like ripping off a bandaid where the pain starts all over again. I don't want to be taking steps backwards any more.
No matter what I do, I just can't win. Ever. I wonder if next time this 'i miss you' stuff comes up I should be honest and bring up all the damage already caused, and just how bad I had been. Let that sink in and maybe he will realize that I am only human and can only deal with so much. If he wants to guilt ME, well maybe I should return the favor and share my oh-so-wonderful breakdowns that almost resulted in therapy...which may still happen.
I've been trying extra hard to keep myself busy lately, mostly with work. Work = Money = Car. Car means one less thing my dad has to hold over my head... aaaaand then I'm working on moving out of this house, which has become my top priority over school. This semester will be interesting, with the bus rides and temp stealing living quarters for overnighters. I think if I give myself enough to do I won't have time to let myself get down. Though my dad right now is making it hard to stay positive about anything whatsoever.
I am just thankful for friends. I love you guys more than you will ever know.
current mood:  crappy
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| Tuesday, January 8th, 2008
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11:19 pm
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Your stupid little remark was meant to hurt me, and yes it did that. After all the other hurt you've caused, it was really not much more damage added to the pile. However, it DID show me that you really do have some growing up to do and I want no part of your emotional baggage any longer. I still have no regrets and miss the joy you brought to my life, but the included emotional burden was not something I should have had to ever carry, and I have finally decided I will not let you hurt me any longer. Get over your insecurities, or whatever other issues you have, and until then, be happy that I even still talk to you. That alone is going against what almost everyone is telling me.
current mood:  annoyed
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| Thursday, December 27th, 2007
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12:52 am - Cut me down to size and paralyze me... With the contents of your pretty little head
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Finally get to come home from work at 10:30 at night and get my mail. I can't even explain how I felt when I saw the package sitting at my place... I immediately knew what was inside the Merry Christmas paper... but my hands were shaking as I opened that envelope, I had no idea what to expect inside it. And of course, (surprise surprise) the next 15 mins or so were spent sitting where I was on the floor, bawling my eyes out. It's the first card that has ever really meant something to me.
After that episode ended I got to im chat, which is a bit easier than sneaking at work on the phone. I think I am one step closer to getting an answer... hopefully the better of the two but I will take ANY answer right now. Let's see how life is treating me these days. fridayineedyoutogethere.
WISH.ME.LUCK.
random aside.. this put a smile on my face for so many reasons "i giggle at the thought of going for a ride in your "box" "
I had to find you
had to get right back
To you
It's always been you
current mood:  hopeful
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| Monday, December 24th, 2007
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10:28 pm - You step beneath the landslide...Nothing feels right when you're wrong
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Good sign indeed... the very next day I'm at work, about 15 mins before closing and my phone goes off in my pocket, which totally scared me. I pull it out and find the first text from a specific someone since the whole mess. Woah. Today would be day two of actual text convos... which is starting to make things too easy to believe its falling back into place. Things are beginning to feel like they used to, except for the obvious words omitted from both sides... I just miss the stupid talk, the pet names, the sickening sweetness making everyone but the two of us gag incessantly... Ugh. And of course my card didn't come in today, which has been driving me completely mental since he seemed anxious for me to get it too. I don't know why. (making it worse)
Now I wanna coax you from your hell
Into an alley, the hidden valley
Where the truth can surely spill
I wanna take the weight that drags you to the ground
Spare this treasure that I found
I found out my mom never mentioned anyhting to my dad, and apparantly wants me to keep completely quiet about this all... I guess she thinks he will be all against it, sposedly caring how devastated I was before and doesn't want me returning to that. I say its bullshit, he never even noticed. Somehow I think she's being all supportive to me now but is going to use him to confront the "should you really..." side. I just wish I knew what the fuck was going on. I'm so afraid to jump the gun but I can't help but let the little things make me happier. A text message shouldn't put a smile on my face as easily as his does. Its fucking insane how deep I am. It scares me because I know there's nothing I can do about it. If only this could resolve everything else will fall into place for me, I know it. It's really the only thing that matters to me right now.
I won't ask for much this Christmas
I don't even wish for snow
I'm just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe
I won't make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won't even stay awake to
Hear those magic reindeers click
'Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do
Baby all I want for Christmas is you
current mood:  tired
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| Sunday, December 23rd, 2007
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1:14 am
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I have never been so anxious for a piece of mail before.. makes me feel like I'm 6 or something. And of course my mom somehow figured out enough to get me to spill... which she didn't seem too surprised about. I was most surprised that she didn't say anything against it, and then asked me the dumbest question ever... can I see things being long term blah blah blah... to which I responded if I didn't, why would I even bother, especially at this point? And then she was like, oh I don't know, you just moved awfully fast with him, etc.... I refrained from trying to explain that I kinda knew from day one what would happen with him it was just a matter of time... and that obviously I do have morals and standards and such due to all the opportunities I have passed up on... but then I realized that she didn't know about all of those encounters... so I stayed quiet on that.
I was paranoid that by actually talking about things that may not even end up happing that I was jinxing it like woah...and then my mom had to make me even crazier earlier. A week or two ago I lost a pin and FREAKED when I couldn't find it.. and she was telling me it shouldn't matter, it meant that I should be moving on. I thought it was gone for good in the liquor store parking lot somewhere. And tonight when leaving work I opened my purse to put away my keys, and it's sitting there, right on top of all my junk. I felt sooo stupid bc I could feel the grin on my face. Naturally when I came home my mom was like heyyyyyy maybe it's a sign... And of course being me I mentally latched on to that. Dear god I hope this works out.. I just wish he knew I had(ve) so many of the same issues... just that he helped me get over some and the others I've just gotten good at repressing... I understand things all too well and I think that's whats killing me.
The only two things I am really looking forward to during this break is the potential of this being resolved/fixed, and the posse xmas party. Other than that I want to go back to school. At least there I had heat and my fish could have an aquarium that's plugged in. I hope they survive break with me.
And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star
current mood:  cold
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| Friday, December 21st, 2007
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12:14 pm
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Thank you Andrew... For not reacting like everyone else has/will, and for reinforcing my belief that this risk isnt futile.
Now to see what ends up happening...
current mood: busy
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| Thursday, December 20th, 2007
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12:47 am
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Ah, beloved livejournal, when did you become the only ear I will turn to? I realized that I could never to go a therapist or anything because that would mean forgetting things, which I absolutely refuse to do. It's so cliche but I write best when I feel and besides the writing factor, even when this feeling is utterly horrible, I don't want to lose it. I am terrified I will lose the good if I try to get rid of the bad, because so often the two are hand in hand for me. I live for the feelings I experience, my emotions are the one thing that remind me of what's real.
I know there are things I could have done and could still do to make life easier for me in the long run, and yet I choose not to. Normally by now I would have come to terms and accepted the hopelessness of a situation. But not this time. Because all hope isn't gone. Sometimes I wish it were just to have a definite answer one was or another. Everyone has their reason as to why I'm doing this, I'm stubborn, obsessive, it's the first real serious relationship, blah blah blah. And YES, I am stubborn and obsessive, sometimes to a fault, and yes it was the first serious relationship I've had, partly by choice. But everyone seems to neglect the fact that it became so serious for a reason. I've never had one person become so important in my life before (no it wasnt bc of oxytocin, this happened long before). To me at least, when there is something or someone that is so significant as to make EVERYTHING else in life meaningless, it's gotta be worth something, it's gotta be worth fighting for. You don't just toss it aside and keep walking.
Honestly, I don't care whether this is the best decision I've ever made or the worst mistake of my life because even if it only brings me a week more of potentially false hope, that is much better than tossing all chances at the most genuine happiness I have ever had.
I do not expect anyone to be standing there to catch me if I crash and burn again, and I will not ask it of any of you. I accept full responsibility and risk of what may happen and will probably take out anyone that makes an attempt at stopping me. If this is a mistake, then it is one I most certainly want AND need to make.
You step behind a curtain
In a moment you were gone
Nothing's ever certain
And it's hard to carry on
This is not what we planned
And I know its hard to understand
But if this isn't what you want then
If this isn't what you need pry my fingers from your hand
current mood: hopeful
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| Saturday, December 15th, 2007
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1:18 am
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I couldnt help but wonder if it were true that i really do enjoy torturing myself so. Then i get something like this:
"i miss driving down to visit you.. i miss our little picnic things.. i miss holding you in my arms when we sleep"
And I remember why I havent given up, moved on, etc. No matter how small a chance, knowing it is there is more than enough to keep me dragging myself onward. It was a surprise reading that since I was forming a list of "I miss" of my own in an attempt of purging my poor brain (and only stopped when it got too hard to look back) and i kinda assumed i was just uber obsessive remembering little things. But knowing that both ends were missing the same things makes my hurt a bit less painful, just because it is shared. Ive never felt like I was that important to someone before, where im contantly on their mind... and for it to be someone so incredibly important to me its just indescribable
I ask that no matter what happens you guys stand by whatever I do. And I know most of you will.. I just worry that Ive been dancing on thin ice for way too long and I dont know if ill ever find solid ground again.
Sometimes love don't feel like it should,
You make it hurt so good
current mood:  thoughtful
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| Friday, December 7th, 2007
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11:48 pm
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Firstly I must thank Jon a million times over for providing me with transportation today and just making the whole adventure amusing.
Darren Hayes is one of the sweetest guys I have EVER met. I can honestly say that he made today one of the best days I have ever had. And it could have been quite awful today for me. I couldnt believe he ended up singing one of my favorite songs (which apparantly is a fav of his off that particular album) which made me both extremely happy and sad at the same time since its kinda a sad song and hits home too often. As much as I wouldve loved to have heard it, I was relieved he chose NOT to play my other fav song from that album. Given the day it is I am almost sure I would have cried on the spot. (Yes I still keep track.. im a dweller like that) Im trying, I really am... its just taking a while specially since i have yet to find a way to purge myself successfully. Even writing isnt helping very much for the first time in my life. Ill prolly fill the damn notebook and have little progress mentally to show for it. Ah well.
I discovered my camera's video capability complete with audio (HOORAY!) so i managed to get three songs recorded.. not to mention he signed 4 things for me and put one of the few genuine smiles on my face that ive had in a while.
I know everyone likes making fun of me about liking his music but i really dont know what id do without it. his music was my first cd like 11 years ago and its truely been pretty much the only constant i can rely on in my life. its gotten me through more shit than i will ever admit to. so meeting him today was the best thing i could ask for.
Lately ive been noticing major shifts of people in my life, dependability, even just levels of contact. Im not sure how much of it i like but some of it is bugging me bc i feel like im losing some stability ive come to rely on.
And of course using my flash drive today, I discover a word doc that I almost regret ever making, let alone sharing with someone. Yet I cant bring myself to delete it... i can see it being added to the damn notebook instead. Though reading that and the conversation both before and after its creation I really wonder what the hell happened. One day these tears will stop, I promise. If they dont I will just continue lying to the world cuz thats the only other option ive got.
I may need someone to save me from doing things ill regret just to distract myself. i dont want to turn into someone ill despise. i miss the way things used to be. i just dont know whats going on anymore except that im sick of it all being beyond my control.
THIS FUCKING YEAR NEEDS TO END. I NEED A FRESH START.
current mood: tired
current music: Darren Hayes
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| Wednesday, December 5th, 2007
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1:21 am - Hey there stranger, do you remember, you were a part of my life
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It's all the little things that remind me why I refuse to give up on you, on us.
I can never forget the butterflies in my stomach the first time our eyes met, or how incredible it felt when you kissed me for the first time.
I miss you holding me in the parking lot at 4 am.
I miss your hand clasping mine all the time, and laughing when I was so nervous that they were sweaty.
I miss those late night "walks."
I miss you teasing me about what I ate, and then eating worse.
I miss you lying on my bed making fun of animal planet with me.
I miss my phone vibrating a hole in my pocket from your texts.
I miss you sitting on the floor, inhaling my baked goods for breakfast.
I miss how your steady gaze always terrified me because there was nothing to stop me from losing myself.
I'll never forget you teasing me about how I would be having an awkward talk with my mother after she came downstairs and didn't know what was going on.
Or the time we couldn't stop laughing because my phone's alarm interrupted us and it took me 3 tries to get it to shut off and stay off before I just tossed it somewhere.
Or that morning I stayed over and when your alarm went off you shoved me out of bed and went back to sleep, so I grabbed an arm and pulled until you fell on out top of me.
And even though that concert didn't overly impress me, and I'm not a huge fan of that band, it was still one of the best concerts I have ever been to... simply because I spent the whole night with your arms around me. I honestly didn't even hear all the music because I was so distracted by having you near.
You knew how to make me forget the entire world, whether you realized it or not. And after all that has happened... I would not risk the hurt again. I would give anything to be able to have that again with you. I still love you and nothing can change that.
I've seen so many faces
These hands have lied before
I've kissed so many lips, it's blocked my mind
I've whispered bullshit nothings
I've cried alone at night
I thought I found the one a million times
Doesn't anyone fill the void?
Doesn't anyone kill the joy?
Doesn't anyone take the place of you in my heart?
And doesn't anyone fill the void?
Doesn't anyone kill the joy?
Doesn't anyone take the place of you?
I let a stranger love me
I gave away my pride
I bit my lips, so I could block my mind
I've called your name to others
Just like a spinal chord
Severed and broken but the spark still tries
current mood:  melancholy
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| Thursday, November 29th, 2007
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1:07 am
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After becoming hooked on reading ljsecret I have decided to become a participant. It felt like such a relief seeing my secrets posted to get them out...
Again I am resorting to livejournal to spill shit because I feel like things work out best for me when I sort them out almost entirely on my own. I cant keep relying on the opinion of friends to figure out what will best work for me.
Recent events have made me realize that one door in my life had not closed and probably wouldnt for a long time, if ever. I really had believed I could surge onward and was actually doing so. Unfortunately some voids cannot be filled with a substitute, no matter how much effort is made. As much as I thought coincidences were just that, there were way too many today to ignore. I really hope to sort my mess out once and for all.. and on my own since some things just cant be explained about the situation. I only ask that you cross your fingers and pray that this sorts out the right way. Ugh.
current mood: contemplative
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| Wednesday, November 21st, 2007
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4:34 pm
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ok so first off if you read this please dont talk to me about it. im only posting bc i need to tell no one and this is the only way i can do that and still get it off my chest. attempting to take some new advice, i am planning to settle this matter one way or another by the end of the weekend. i keep dragging myself on and i cant have other people doing it to me too, its just not fair to anyone. I hate having a personal struggle between what i know i should probably do and what i feel i need to do. sometimes i just really hate life and the shit it keeps throwing at me. i guess at most i can just give it my all, be completely honest, and hope for the best. i guess all good things have to have some hidden catch with them, and the better they are, the worse the catch. either way something has to happen before i go fucking insane over here. ugh.
current mood: discontent
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| Monday, July 9th, 2007
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1:39 am
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For reasons unknown I continue to dig the hole Im standing in deeper and deeper, all the while staring longingly at the ladder that could pull me out... the question is, how long before i reach the point of no return, and the ladder is no longer an option?
I was an exceptionally awesome employee today and Im getting rewarded for it (i hope) yay!
Tomorrow off, almost everyone seems busy though, so im debating whether to go further down my list of contacts or try to make it a productive day.
Today was a good day for sharing more than I ever thought I would. Its interesting to see who I trust with what information. Hmm.
Im glad to know Im actually able to help my sister out in with somethign that is just too hard to ask for help about.
I want to do a massive cleaning of all my stuff, but I find it hard to let go of stupid things that really have no meaning.
Im glad I made 12 New Years Resolutions... because at least I know I've done some of them so I feel accomplished. It'd be wonderful to achieve all of them but I dont expect that to happen any time soon.
I think for the time being Ive lost my courage to speak up.. but maybe playing it safe is the best idea for this week.. Ill take it from there.
current mood:  indescribable
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| Sunday, July 8th, 2007
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12:50 am
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Ahhh mental mess just how I love it. I mean, nothing wrong with vp?!?! Ohhhhh the amazingness just never ends.
And the quotes of the evening are as follows:
"That smells like some kind of soap"
"I don't want your sticky all over me!"
I cant remember the others since I have waaaay too much caffeine/sugar in my system but I know there were some more good ones.
So one chapter of the book of life just refuses to close apparantly... but maybe that message was a final attempt at mending things? Oh well, I dont dare respond and risk gashing open new problems.
Old problems are a problem too. Im not sure how you can be ok with being a fallback, but ok? Somehow I've always wondered if/when it would come down to this, like it was sposed to happen for some reason. Im still undecided if I want it to but I feel that no matter where I go itll always take me back. Just at this time I really dont want it to end up happening bc that means other things wont, and i really really need them to.
I dont tend to be superstitious or anything but i keep telling myself to wait for a sign of anything telling me what the fuck to do. Waiting is death.
This piece of shit computer is driving me fucking insane. I need my prize monies to come in so I can buy a new one. Soon.
Work is finally improving drastically (not that it really sucked before but...) Now if only I could get a raise to go along with it... haha.
Today was fun. Hopefully Monday will be too :)
"I have told you just half the words
I've wanted to give you
Fear of rejection keeps my heart at bay
Feelings I'd rather not say
I'd rather have you close
Than never at all
But every now and then
When my world is closing in
I feel you breezin' through my mind
I can attempt to close my eyes
I can avoid the wrong or right
But something deep inside
Says my heart wants what it wants"
current mood:  chipper
current music: Air: Sexy Boy
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| Wednesday, July 4th, 2007
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12:02 am
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Oh LJ how I missed you. Despite having (somewhat) regular attention I feel Ive lost that ear Ive relied on for so long. I dont know if its due to the lack of free time or just an increasing feeling to withdraw inside myself like the good ol days.
My fingers are itchin' ... the pen and paper will be out soon (btw bek... remind me about that story of mine, i think one more tweak and ill be satisfied enough to share it finally )
Next week i have 3 days off from work... its a record.
Even when there is absolutely nothing keeping me up, I find myself not wanting to sleep. Perhaps I have gotten too used to some things. I get addicted easily to simple things. Bleh.
Apparantly I was hiding music from myself. Maybe I was embrarassed of it, or too afraid of being judged. I'm glad I found it again, and Ive decided I dont care anymore as long as it makes me happy.
Tomorrows fun: Day in Warwick consisting of smelly seafood, bocci tournament arguments, attacks of biting insects, drunk relatives and friends, fireworks and bonfires I cant play with. Boo. But at least the sister is going solo so I dont get down about that.
Over and out.
current mood: contemplative
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| Thursday, April 5th, 2007
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7:04 pm
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ticking time bombs ... wonder which will go off first
current mood: tired
current music: Bowling For Soup - A-Hole
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| Sunday, March 11th, 2007
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1:36 am
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Ahhhh wtf I used to wonder if/when the hell this would finally happen, and now I'm just scared shitless. If you think I'm gonna fuck this up raise your hand (everyone now please raise them higher). It may help if I knew (or decided) what I wanted. Fuck the Rage fuck my thoughts fuck this all... I don't want to be a bitch and hurt anyone but if I have to I hope to god it isn't myself. I wish I could talk to myself two weeks from now and get the answers since no one else can give them to me.
Endrant.
Ps. The Rage is getting very angry and powerful and wants OUT so pardon my moodiness I can only contain so much especially given current matters.
current mood:  confused
current music: Fall Out Boy: Thnks Fr Th Mmrs
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| Monday, February 26th, 2007
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11:00 pm - OMG BUY ME!!
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| Friday, February 23rd, 2007
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10:15 am
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